In the midst of tears and a knot in my stomach, I came to understand a lot about myself last week. As Chris and I laid down to go to sleep, a wave of emotion rushed over me. I began to cry and all I could do was say "I'm sorry." He did not understand at first, but as we laid there, so much understanding came to me. I had been so angry at him all week. Everything he did made me mad. I snapped at him for every little thing. I know he had been on egg shells all week. I could not understand why I was so angry and why he was on my nerves so badly. It was at that moment on Thursday night that I understood. He had not done anything wrong. As a matter of fact, he had been nothing but wonderful to me all week, going out of his way to help me. But at that moment, I understood why I was so angry. He was leaving, and with every moment that passed, the time of his departure was getting closer. As I cried, I realized how I cope with Chris leaving. I push him away. If I am angry with him, I don't miss him as much. If I don't like him, then the sadness and loneliness don't hit quite as hard. Or so I thought. What was I doing? Pushing away the person I love most in this world. He is such a good husband and a good father. I love him so much, and he works so hard to provide for our family and to help make our family strong and happy. He deserves a week out of the year to do something he loves. I want him to be happy, and I don't want to be angry any more. Once I finally came to this realization, it didn't make him leaving any easier, but it has made our relationship better. Not being angry with your husband is a wonderful thing! I miss him like crazy, and when he's not here, I still get sad, but I am not angry. I feel like a 100 pound weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Shedding that anger feels amazing, but figuring out why I was so angry feels even better. Taking a step back and re-evaluating who I am is necessary every day, and this time, I am glad I did that before he left. We had a wonderful Friday and Saturday together, and I can't wait for him to get home! I love that guy with all of my heart, and I miss him like crazy. And that little blue-eyed girl, I'm sure, is having sweet dreams about her sweet daddy as she sleeps the night away. I can't wait for Saturday... I can't wait to hug him and kiss him and tell him how much I love him. I hope he is having a great week doing what he loves, but I hope he misses me the whole time!
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