357 Days

It has been weeks since I have been able to sit down and write, and I have missed it. So much has happened during this holiday season, but with all of the craziness, reflecting on all of this has taken a back seat to cooking, cleaning, packing, unpacking, wrapping, and unwrapping. As I sit here, this New Year's Eve 2009, I can't help but to get a little choked up as I think about how my life has changed this year. Eight days into 2009, at 9:53pm, the cry of tiny baby shrieked through the bright and sterile operating room. This cry rang in my ears welcoming a new and amazing chapter in my life. In one brief second, we were no longer a couple. We were a family. And, in the year 2009, my sweet little family of 3 has grown and changed with every single day. Since that day, January 8, 2009, I have experienced 357 days of bliss. I am not going to sugar coat reality. It has been hard. Each day has been challenging, and some completely frustrating, but even through the chaos and confusion, I have found myself happy every night when I fall asleep, and ready to smile every morning as I wake to the sweet little sounds streaming through the tiny monitor on my nightstand.

Watching Layla grow has been absolutely unbelievable. I have read all the books and have done all the research. I knew what to expect when I was expecting and I knew what to expect in the first year. But I never knew how I would feel through all of this. The only way to describe my feelings each and every day of 2009 is complete awe. I have been awed by a tiny blue-eyed girl. The amazement I have felt for her ever changing personality and mental and physical development has brought me to my knees several times. I sometimes think about Mary thousands of years ago, holding a tiny baby, listening to Him cry, and never, in her wildest dreams being able to imagine what He would do with his life. I know my tiny baby is not the Christ child, and I know she will never die to save the entire human population. But I know that Mary was a mother, just like me, and that just as she was amazed and awed by her son, and just as she was proud of everything her son did, I will be amazed and awed and proud of my daughter.

My hope and prayer for this New Year is the same this year as it was last year, and I will venture to say that it will be the same in each year to come - I hope and pray that Chris and I will be the best parents that we can be, and that we will teach our daughter everything we possibly can. I hope that our relationship as husband and wife continues to grow stronger with every smile and every tear. I pray that my little girl will learn about unconditional love by the strong example set by her parents. And I pray that we will never be jaded by the sadness and negativity that surrounds us. I hope that we will always find the beauty and happiness in life, and that we will always find a moment to show our gratitude for what we have been given.

The Thrill of Hope

Have you ever truly listened to the words of "Oh Holy Night"? It is one of the most beautiful Christmas songs ever written, and I have listened to it and sung it a million times. I could recite the words on command, but last night, as I drove home from a quick trip to Wal-Mart, I actually listened to this song. I am not going to lie. I cried, and not just a few tears. And I did not have to come up with an excuse when I came in the house with watery and puffy eyes since I have a sinus infection.

Long lay the world in sin and error pining, 'til He appeared, and the soul felt it's worth.

I guess I never thought about the worth of my soul, but to God, it is a valuable posession. I am just in awe thinking about the birth of a tiny child that put a value on my soul. This tiny baby made me worth saving. This sweet boy gave me the promise of life with God, eternally. The knowledge of this gives me hope...

The THRILL of hope, the weary world rejoices.

I have never thought of hope as thrilling until last night. Hope to me has always been a word I have associated with sadness and hard times. You always talk about hope in difficult situations as sort of a light at the end of the tunnel. Hope is something you cling to in dark times. Hope to me has always been a quiet guide to a journey through a difficult situation, but thrilling? Really? Thrilling to me is excitement and adventure. I have never thought of being thrilled in the midst of sadness or fear. But from now on, I want to be thrilled. It makes challenges seem a little less difficult when you place an element of excitement on them.

On a small scale, I am thrilled with the hope of new opportunities for me and my family. This past year, minus one salary, has been a little scary. But thinking about it in this new light gives me the thrill of hope. I am encouraged by this new hope. I know that God has a plan for our family, and I know that if we are not hopeful, God's plan will not be fulfilled.

On a much larger scale, our society has fallen into a dark time. We are at war with other countries and ourselves. We are so concerned with making people comfortable that we do not challenge their beliefs and gloss over the fact that this season is Christmas, not "the holidays". The reason there are holidays at all is because of Christmas. And this Christmas season, I am filled with hope that we will share our message of why we have Christmas at all. I am thrilled in the hope that this world will no longer be weary, that we can all rejoice in the hope of this child that gave our souls worth.

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees, Oh hear the Angels' voices.

Though it is raining and cold today, this morning is new and glorious. It is a new beginning for me. I was taken to my knees last night, though not quite an Angel, Kelly Clarkson's voice carrying over my XM radio was enough to thrill me with hope for this holiday season and the year to come.

The Art of Please and Thank You

With the holidays fast approaching, I find myself out and about quite a bit more. Between grocery shopping for all of those holiday functions, Target runs for anything and everything, and all of the gift shopping, I am in the stores and on the road quite often. I guess I am not surprised, but I find myself quite angered by the rudeness and general disregard for others. As I drive down the road and people pull out in front of me, refuse to get into the left lane to allow other cars to merge, or fail to use their turn signals, my road rage tends to get the best of me. When I am shopping, I am just amazed at the number of people who stand on one side of the grocery aisle while perusing the shelves on the other side of the aisle, therefore taking up the entire aisle with just them and their cart. I guess they think that if they just pretend not to see you then it's okay and they don't have to move.

The other day in Target, my mom, my sister, Layla, and I were shopping and just minding our own business. I stopped at the end of an aisle to reach down in Layla's stroller to put her shoe back on. This took all of 30 seconds, and when I stood up, there was a woman and her cart standing there giving me the evil eye and trying to push her cart through a space that was all of 6 inches wide. Rather than saying "Excuse me," she just stood there and stared at us. Finally, I said, "Oh, excuse me," and stepped out of the way. She barrelled her way through, and for the remaining 45 minutes that we were in the store, this same woman purposely came down the aisles we were in to stand and take up the whole space so that we would have to turn around, and cut us off ever time we tried to turn down an aisle. This woman had to be in her mid to late fifties and was acting like a child. I could not believe her behavior.

While shopping at the Five Oaks Shops in Sevierville last week, I was so angered by the number of customers and employees sitting outside on all of the benches puffing away on their cigarettes and forcing me, Layla, and my parents to breathe in their disgusting second-hand smoke. Today, I e-mailed the manager of the mall, and just brought to her attention how unfair this is to all of us non-smokers, and how much I hated that my 10 month old baby had to breathe in this disgusting smoke. Her reply to me :

Dear Mrs. Blankenship,

We are sorry that smoking has caused you to have unpleasant experiences in our center. However, we have met the Nonsmoking Criteria set by State Law and are in compliance. We have also asked all store employees to abide by our No Smoking Policy and to smoke outside in the back of their store.Our customers are special to us and we would like to send you a gift card as a form of apology. Please forward your address to us.Again we are sorry and wish you and your family Happy Holidays.

Seriously? A gift card? That is supposed to make my second-hand smoke exposure better? Really? I was shocked. Just because it meets state criteria does not mean that is best. I could not believe that a gift card was her solution to this problem. I promptly responded to her, and I told her that a gift card was not the solution. I did not want a gift card, and would just choose to do my holiday shopping elsewhere this year.

Enough with my rant. I have said all of this just to say that this holiday season, I am making it my purpose in life just to be a nice person. I am going to smile at people, say please and thank you, keep myself and my cart on one side of the grocery aisle, say "excuse me" to people when I need to get around them or if I am in their way, hold doors open for people, and if someone has a problem, I am going to try my hardest to come up with an intelligent and accommodating solution. I am doing all of this not only to make myself a better person, but also to set an example for my little blue-eyes. She is watching every move I make and hearing every word I say. I want her to be a good person. I want her to have respect for others, and I want her to have good manners. Respect and manners are so rarely exhibited any more, and it saddens me. We are all human and are all deserving of both of these. I am so excited to teach my little lady the art of "please" and "thank you."

Sweet Surprise

So, I am about to fall over because I am so tired, but I have to write about this while it is still fresh in my mind. I don't want to forget how it felt. I don't want to forget the way my heart skipped a beat. I just want to remember how happy I was, and the smile that came across Layla's face when it happened.

Yesterday, I was awakened at about 7:15 to the beautiful sounds of my sweet girl. The ma ma ma ma ma's and the ba ba ba ba ba's, and Layla riding her motorcycle (what most people call motorboat) are the most wonderful alarm clock. I love to wake up to that. I stumbled into her room, and looked in her crib. She just laid there, looking up at me and smiling. It was so sweet.

I reached into her crib and lifted her out. I always hold her close and hug her and kiss her. She has started resting her head on my shoulder and patting me when I do this, but yesterday, it was different. I pulled her close, kissed her, and hugged her. As I hugged her, she leaned in, put her lips to my cheek, and pop! She kissed me. My eyes filled with tears, and my heart melted.

Confessions of an Angry Housewife

In the midst of tears and a knot in my stomach, I came to understand a lot about myself last week. As Chris and I laid down to go to sleep, a wave of emotion rushed over me. I began to cry and all I could do was say "I'm sorry." He did not understand at first, but as we laid there, so much understanding came to me. I had been so angry at him all week. Everything he did made me mad. I snapped at him for every little thing. I know he had been on egg shells all week. I could not understand why I was so angry and why he was on my nerves so badly. It was at that moment on Thursday night that I understood. He had not done anything wrong. As a matter of fact, he had been nothing but wonderful to me all week, going out of his way to help me. But at that moment, I understood why I was so angry. He was leaving, and with every moment that passed, the time of his departure was getting closer. As I cried, I realized how I cope with Chris leaving. I push him away. If I am angry with him, I don't miss him as much. If I don't like him, then the sadness and loneliness don't hit quite as hard. Or so I thought. What was I doing? Pushing away the person I love most in this world. He is such a good husband and a good father. I love him so much, and he works so hard to provide for our family and to help make our family strong and happy. He deserves a week out of the year to do something he loves. I want him to be happy, and I don't want to be angry any more. Once I finally came to this realization, it didn't make him leaving any easier, but it has made our relationship better. Not being angry with your husband is a wonderful thing! I miss him like crazy, and when he's not here, I still get sad, but I am not angry. I feel like a 100 pound weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Shedding that anger feels amazing, but figuring out why I was so angry feels even better. Taking a step back and re-evaluating who I am is necessary every day, and this time, I am glad I did that before he left. We had a wonderful Friday and Saturday together, and I can't wait for him to get home! I love that guy with all of my heart, and I miss him like crazy. And that little blue-eyed girl, I'm sure, is having sweet dreams about her sweet daddy as she sleeps the night away. I can't wait for Saturday... I can't wait to hug him and kiss him and tell him how much I love him. I hope he is having a great week doing what he loves, but I hope he misses me the whole time!

A Round of Applause for Mommy

The little things in life are the things I am growing to love more and more each day that I am a wife and a mother. The little sleeping angel in the room across the house has taught me so much in her short time on this earth. Watching her eyes light up when she finds a toy in Mommy's purse to play with or the laughter that comes from her carseat when she catches glimpse of herself in the mirror, and knowing that those little moments are the highlight of her day. Seeing how happy she is about the smallest things has taught me so much. I used to be and probably to most, I still am very high maintenance, but I would like to think that my maintenance level has dropped since most of my energy has been refocused on a pair of sweet little blue eyes making sure they light up at least 50 times a day! Those moments are the moments that make me happy...

My sweet baby clapping when I walk in her room in the morning, that makes me happy.

Looking in the floor and seeing the entire contents of my purse spread all around her, that makes me happy.

Going on a date with my husband, that makes me happy.

Getting all bundled up and walking through the shops at the Fall Festival, that makes me happy.

Rocking that little girl to sleep, that makes me happy.

Cleaning banana mush off of little tiny hands, that makes me happy.

My husband helping with my coat and opening my car door for me, that makes me happy.

A hand-written thank you card in the mail, a walk in the park, autumn leaves falling on my car, a good book, a sweet comment on Facebook, a new page in Layla's scrapbook, a successful arts and crafts project, a yummy batch of cupcakes, a big bowl of chili, a successful week at Weight Watchers, a trip to Target, an experimental dinner that turns out to be delicious, a night with family, holding the door open for someone coming in behind me, sweet potatoes, a neatly made bed, Glee... These things all make me happy.

But what makes me happiest is my little family... my husband who never gives up on me, and my Layla who has no idea that I'm not perfect.